60 Is Different

I remember being young and hearing that my grandparents were 60. Sixty sounded so old.

I wondered what I would be like when I was 60 and old. Being 60 was synonomous with slowing down, relaxing in life, retiring and enjoying life in a new way. By 60 all your children were grown, and you and your lifetime companion can focus on gently loving each other as you grow old together. 60 was when you got to enjoy being free to do things with your grandchildren, travel to places of your dreams, have the day free to read a book or just nap as long as you would like. 60 was when your children started helping you more than you helped them. 60 was when you would have your house paid off and be debt free. 60 was when you could stay home and crochet or read a book and not feel guilty about what you didn't get done, because there was just you and your husband, and so there was not so much to "get done". Being 60 meant visiting friends, doing geneology, writing letters to those far away, making memories with those near and having time to ponder not just read scriptures. Reaching 60 meant having the opportunity to be involved in community service as a volunteer or serving with your spouse on a church mission. Being 60 meant having time to make cute little gifts for all of you children and grandchildren (like net scrubbers, crochet hats and scarves, small lap afghans, or "casserole removers" (grandma's name for hot pads) for birthdays and holidays. Being 60 meant being active in clubs, lunching with friends or just being home most of the time so your children and grandchildren could stop by for a few minutes whenever they got a chance to give a little love and get a little love in return.


Twenty years ago my parents were 60, and being 60 for them was certainly not all of the above. Dad was looking for work at 60 and facing the challenge of not finding any. Dad didn't retire from any long years of work, he just didn't find another job. Dad had time on his hands, so he turned to what he loved doing. He carved, carved some more and carved something else. At 60 dad was working hard all week to have things ready for the weekend when he would go to a local restaraunt and carve and take orders from those who were willing to pay for his unique abilities. At 60 mom was still giving piano lessons everyday, there was no slow down there. In fact at 60 mom took on more than ever before. Dad built his wood shop in the garage and turned a bedroom into his carving sanctuary. At 60 mom had to create a color center and become a painter, after all someone needed to paint all those carving he was producing. So at 60 mom found a new talent and has been perfecting it ever since. While grandma used to do geneology at the library, mom at 60 was supporting her brothers in their efforts to organize, sort through and understand all the valuable information they already had. At 60 mom focused on passing down the histories of ancestors to her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. For mom and dad 60 meant change, but not towards relaxation or slowing down, or spending more time with family, hobbies or personal pleasures. It has only been the last 5 years that they have begun to live the kind of life I used to expect for someone of 60.

Now I am 60, and believe me, it is nothing like what I thought it would be like. I can only dream about being able to retire some day. I work 40 hours+ per week, and commute back and forth across town every day. Although all my children are grown, I certainly do not have an empty nest. I have 3 grandchildren who call my place home, and A, the youngest, still has another 7 years of school left before she graduates from high school. While I used to think 60 meant children were independent and settled, I find myself at 60 dealing with caseworkers, therapists, foster care, and the emotional & financial ups and downs of others lives (just as my own parents still have with me). While I believed 60 was when you just sat back and enjoyed visiting quietly with your grandchildren, at 60 I am caring for an active 3 year old and a 5 month old 5 nights & mornings a week, and most of every weekend. So instead of growing old, I am learning how to stay young from experts at enjoying life as each day happens. Geneology for me is hoping I can find a few minutes here or there to write in a journal or a jot a few lines of encouragement to a loved one. At 60 my house was not paid off, instead, due to refinances, I still had a 35 year mortgage, and lost my home of 20 years to foreclosure. At 60, instead sitting down to watch a favorite show and working on a needlepoint or crochet gift for someone, I am logging on to work from home or research a question. Instead of sitting at a quiet dinner table and sharing memories as my grandparents did with me when they were 60, I am creating different memories by doing crafts, cooking or playing with a grandchild to keep him/her entertained so their parents can have a night out or get some needed sleep.

No, 60 is not what I thought it would be like, but it is not bad. What my grandparents enjoyed at 60 has been pushed off to the ages of 70 or 80. It is good to know there is still more time, because I sure need it. There is so much more that I want to do and enjoy I need another 20 years to reach what I perceived "60" to be.

Children Will Listen

"Children Will Listen"

from In The Woods

How do you say to your child in the night?
Nothing's all black, but then nothing's all white
How do you say it will all be all right
When you know that it might not be true?
What do you do?

Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey, but children will listen
Children will look to you for which way to turn
Co learn what to be
Careful before you say "Listen to me"

Children will listen.

Careful the wish you make
Wishes are children
Careful the path they take
Wishes come true, not free
Careful the spell you cast
Not just on children
Sometimes the spell may last
Past what you can see
And turn against you
Careful the tale you tell
That is the spell
Children will listen

How can you say to a child who's in flight
"Don't slip away and i won't hold so tight"
What can you say that no matter how slight Won't be misunderstood
What do you leave to your child when you're dead?
Only whatever you put in it's head
Things that you're mother and father had said
Which were left to them too
Careful what you say
Children will listen
Careful you do it too
Children will see
And learn, oh guide them that step away
Children will glisten
Tample with what is true
And children will turn
If just to be free
Careful before you say
"Listen to me"

Children will listen (repeat 3x)

(lyrics found at www:silyrics.com)

© STLyrics.com 2002 - 2010

No Mistake- He Knew What I Would Need

My Heavenly Father knows me so well. He knew what was coming, the choices someone else would make that would suddenly change a number of the lives of those that are dear to me in ways we would have never imagined. He knew that I would need to handle the knowledge I would be entrusted with in a manner of peace, calm and love. He knew I would need to know I could trust him to care for those I love in his own way and to not rush into any decision or make any judgements that could affect a number testimonies of his forgiveness. The Lord knew I would need to share my own testimony many times over the next few weeks to come, and strengthened me with the knowledge that he will not give me more than he knows I am capable of bearing.

When the bomb was dropped in my lap this week, I listened to the story and knew when I left the person that shared with me was now better prepared to handle whatever came next knowing she was not alone and that someone understood her pain and cared about her worries. In the midst of hearing the reason for the pain in this person's life and the others she cared about, I knew that I was led to a particular blog recently because of the subject matters of the story the writer was sharing. The strongest messages in the story are that no family is perfect, that love and understanding is vital to all relationships, and that healing is found through our Savior, Jesus Christ, when we are humble. As I went home that night I was filled with questions, but I was also filled with a knowledge that the Lord had prepared me to look at this through a different light. My first thoughts were not of how to confront the people involved in anger, but how to share my love and testimony with them. As the story was told, I was reminded of the pain of one of the characters, and my own anger and disgust was replaced by compassion for the person I held most responsible in the real life situation unfolding into my lap through sobs of sorrow and fear. I thought of another character in the story and remembered to not make any judgements, but to love and listen, knowing the Lord knows and loves each of the family members involved on a level I can not possibly understand. My part right now is to teach acceptance and understanding, patience and peace, and most of all to share my love and my testimony with these dear ones.

My Father in Heaven knew what could possibly be coming and over the past few weeks has been helping me to prepare. He has blessed me with a desire to reorganize, and to take charge of an area of my home that has not been used for a while. I know now that he has been preparing me for the choice being made today. My father in Heaven knew that one of the choices would affect everyone in my home, and has been strengthening me and giving me resolve in how to better handle some of my family relationships so that with his help previous reasons for conflict will be lessened or softened. I believe my Father in Heaven knew what was drawing near and provided me additional help with one member of my family so I can have enough inspiration and energy to support other family members who will need my attention and understanding as we make transitions and adjustments in schedules, responsibilities and interactions.

I know my Father in Heaven knows me. I know he loves me and prepares me in silent ways for the challenges and opportunities, the sorrows and joys of life. It is no mistake, he knows what I need and will prepare the way. I know I must trust him more and speak to him more often in prayer. I know I must attune my life to his will, and he will guide me in the choices I make. I know at this time that he will assist me in reaching out in the perfect way to each of my loved ones whether through a hug, a letter, a phone call or a visit, for I know with a surety that he will prepare their hearts to accept the truth of my unconditional love for them. It is no mistake- I know he knows.

Writing Encouragement

It happened again. I was talking with someone about one of my recent experiences and I was asked, "Have you ever thought about writing a book?" A familiar compliment followed. "I can't believe how you can look at things so calmly and keep going on." Again the thought was thrown out "Have you ever thought how much you could help or lift others?"

The answer is yes, I have thought about writing a book. I have even written a few short books, during a time when there was time between calls and projects at my place of employment to write some thoughts. They were not published, just bound and shared with some work associates and friends. I felt good about writing those books. The words flowed onto the pages in a matter of days. At the time I thought I was writing more for myself, but I found out there were others who struggled with the same issues I wrote about, and were thrilled with the concepts and way of looking at things from a different view. Encouragement, hope and faith was shared and passed from one heart to another as the books went from desk to desk. In recent years I have shared the books with other friends, therapists and a sent a few anonymously to someone when requested by a loved one who cared about them. So I know the messages were inspired, not just for me, but for others as well.

I used to have another blog, which I would update occasionally, but the host I was using changed their policy and I didn't make the change quickly enough. So for a while i did not write at all. Then the online posts of someone else I care about led me back to the Internet and the desire to again share my feelings with others. So here I am, writing a few thoughts once again, letting the thoughts flow through my fingers onto the page, wondering all the while who my words could reach today.

I have been touched myself recently by the writings of others. I found myself a few times wishing I could write like they did or counting the number of people who claim to be followers of their writings. As I thought about the different ways each of them wrote, I realized, of thousands of blogs on the Internet, I was led to these particular ones not randomly, but carefully. I didn't just do a random search for these sites, I was guided to them by a friend, a sister or a new loved one in my life. I trusted their instincts and their wisdom that these other blogs were of worth or value and found I was blessed by where they led me. I found others who wrote about everyday life in a variety of styles. I was reminded that each person who chooses to write from their heart does it in their own ways. No two are like. The subjects may be similar, the experiences familiar, but each person handles it or shares it in their own way. It would be easy to start making comparisons, judging one writer better than another, or someone who shares sadness against someone who shares joy, or even comparing myself to them, wishing I could write as eloquently, boldly or powerfully as I feel they are. I could, but I choose not to. For I know I was led gently to each of these other writers for the way they would touch or inspire me. My higher sources, my Heavenly Mother and Father, and other loved ones who have gone to a higher place before me, know me well. They trust that I will not find encouragement to renew my own efforts to write.

Through the writings of others I have found permission to write freely in ways I haven't tried for many years or possibly to even try a new way to write. Instead of writing random blogs, one woman chose to write 1 or 2 chapters a week of a serial novel (www.thejellobelt.blogspot.com) Another woman doesn't feel she can write well, but is an avid reader, so she simply posts short quotes from something she has read or found. A carving I saw on my sister's site (www.karlaskarvings.com) the other day tweaked my desire to write a new series of children's stories. A trip to mormonmommyblogs.blogspot.com yesterday reminded me that a small note to a friend may be more important today than anything I could write in a blog. What about writing a daily letter to someone I love or someone I have thought about? A blog forum challenged me for 30 days to choose one word a day and write just 100 words on the thoughts it brought to mind. Another author asked why we write in our journals daily and then hide them away with the hope that someday one of our children will read them and understand why we made the choices we have in our lives when we could write the same words and share them with our children, grandchildren and others now. I share the feelings of one writer who said she could write and say 3 times as much on the computer as she can trying to hand write it into her paper journal. As I write this, in my head I hear the instructions from the pulpit to write our life and family histories and I know that I could talk about a particular time in my life and it would be so different from what my sisters would write about the same time, yet all three versions are part of our family history.

So I accept the encouragement and inspiration to write in a variety of ways. I will look for and take advantage of every opportunity I get to write and find ways that I use every style in a positive way to touch others that will be led to my words as I have been led to others.

Grandmother - In Her Own Humble Way

This last week I was privileged to attend the funeral of one of my aunts who has had a wonderful influence on my life. This lovely lady waited 12 years for her darling daughter to come to their home, and wept 21 years later when that daughter was called back to heaven. She didn't become a grandmother the way others do, but at her funeral her legacy as "mother" and "grandmother" was undeniable.

As a dear cousin shared, Aunt K, was as much mother to a few of her nieces and nephews as their own mother had been. Every one of the children of those nieces and nephews considered and honored her as their grandmother, finding ways to spend time with her in special interests and activities. I heard many of them as they paid their last respects say things such as "sleep well grandma," "love you always grandma," "So happy for you grandma," and "Grandpa will be there soon." Her precious daughter did not have the time on earth to give Aunt K the title of grandma, but those that were closest to her over the past 40 years made sure she knew they claimed the title for her anyway, for she taught them through action and love what being a grandmother was.

While some grandmothers can number their grandchildren with ease, Aunt K probably couldn't number all that called her grandmother because of the relationship of their parents to Aunt K and Uncle M, her loving sweetheart of 72 year. After the death of their precious daughter, this couple was called as the mission president of the Dublin Ireland Mission. From the comments of one of the speakers, who represented over 300 missionaries, this loving couple became mother and father to every one of those missionaries they encouraged, taught and were an example to. Each of those missionaries claimed them as mother and father and each of their children honor this couple as grandma and grandpa. Imagine from those few years of service how many children this "grandmother" touched with her example, her faith, her graciousness, her acceptance and open arms for all who came near her, and her testimony.

This lovely lady lived her life with grace and humility. She gently taught so many how to be a great kind of grandmother She taught that grandmothers are full of love, have special talents to share, give of their time, share testimonies, give encouragement, give service willingly, love company, are creative and are never too busy to love or listen. Above all, she taught how important it is to love your sweetheart, to serve him and to serve with him, to hold hands every chance you get, stand beside him in love and behind him in support, and always have a kiss ready to bestow in a gentle moment.

I don't have a companion at this time to love and support, but I hope that in every other way I can be as good an example to my own grandchildren as Aunt K was to all who loved her and called her GRANDMOTHER.

Not Alone- Reaching Out

One of my favorite songs by Micheal McLean, an LDS artist, is entitled "You're Not Alone." I have loved it for years and often remind myself to have faith by remembering the truths in this song. We are not alone. Our Father in Heaven has not left us alone and never will. We are surrounded by the proof of his love and his presence, even when we choose not to look for his love, it is there waiting and when the time is right we will see and embrace the truth of "You Are Not Alone" as we have before and will find the perfect comfort and peace we need for those moments.

I am not alone. I felt alone and overwhelmed recently. I felt afraid, confused, abandoned, betrayed by those I love and misunderstood. My feelings were in conflict- I was happy and proud of a decision made, not easily but lovingly. I had struggled with the hole I felt in my heart because of the decision and found peace. Then it seemed like the peace had been snatched away and there was no one who could understand or hear my cries. Oh was I wrong. I was never alone, When I couldn't see through the pain to feel their love, my heavenly parents sent their message through someone else, a sister they knew could reach through the pain and remind me I was not alone and remind me that peace would be found again.

I am not alone. I have a sister who knows how to listen, support, encourage and guide me back to faith and hope. The Lord knows her well, and inspires her often. He fills her with love she can give away, wisdom to share and a strong testimony to light the paths ahead. Then he puts her near those he would have her bless and she does just that with humility and love.

I am not alone. My sister reminded me that she too had recently experienced a loss of her own, and yet the loss also brought blessings and faith she hadn't expected. She reminded me that grief is a process, and it is OK to feel the emotions, all the emotions, as many times as we need to and not feel guilty about it. Her shared thoughts and comments reminded me that this is only one of many trials the Lord feels I am capable of growing through and he gives me strength to handle many situations he would not even think of giving to others. She reminded me that life goes on and that the unique talents and gifts we each have will help us through the hard times and bring joy to replace the pain. She reminded me that prayer is the key, letting our Savior know of our pains so he can soothe and heal the aches with his mercy and grace. She reminded me to remember the promises I have been given, and that my time is not the same as those who have given me the promises, so to be patient and wait, having faith the promises will be fulfilled in ways I cannot even imagine.

I am not alone, and neither are you. We have a loving Father and Mother in Heaven that know us well and love us unconditionally. They want us to find happiness, and know the ways to reach us even when we are not listening or seeking their aide. They have not sent us alone into this world, but have surrounded us with family, friends, others who have gone through similar trials and can show us a way through and a Savior to help us carry the load when it seems too heavy to bear. They have blessed us to be immersed in a world of people to lift us through the creative talents that flow from heaven to earth through music, art, spoken and written words, compassion and service. We are surrounded by teachers and examples of all ages if we can open our spiritual eyes and look around.

I am not alone. You are not alone. Everyone in this world is eternally connected. Our paths my cross once or many times here on earth. We may be near or a great distance apart physically, but our spirits, unlimited by time and space, can connect with others through love, understanding and peace. We are surrounded by gifts and proof that we are not alone, that someone cares about our happiness and joy. I pray that we can each open our eyes, our hearts, our minds and our souls to accepting this truth - reaching out to accept those around us and reaching out to touch others.

Taking the Blame- With Tears

In my last post I apologized to all those who felt I had ruined their lives by reading their blogs, sharing my support of their blog, reacting or commenting on their blog or being the cause of one blogger calling another with a question that made them uncomfortable, even though they had been excited to share their thoughts about the very thing they were asked about. I don't know if any of the ones affected have even read my apology or if it makes a difference to them, for none of them have responded in any way. What does matter is that I was willing to say I am sorry. The next step, of forgiveness is up to them.

The silence of others has given me a lot to think about. It has given me the chance to once again look at what those close to me believe about me and what they expect of me. Fair warning, this may sound like I am depressed, but I am not, at least at this moment. I am however willing to be truthful and honest about my feelings for a few minutes.

My family, and even new friends, are willing to make me the scapegoat for something that wasn't all entirely my fault. I may have played a part, but I was not the one that gave the specific information out that caused the problem. I alluded to a relationship, but did not divulge the name of the party I was protecting. The one that broke the link and gave out the name was the person's own family member who may or may nat have known better. But if they can blame me, they don't have to feel betrayed by family. It is much easier to blame a so-called stranger than someone you know and love. Besides blaming me allows them to continue their relationship with their loved one as it was before the incident. Also blaming me, others can pretend they had no part in whatever they perceived happened. I am also sure that my family members that spoke to those who think they were hurt or offended told them that everything was my fault anyway or that I would take the blame for everyone on my shoulders, for they know I will, not just the blame, but the pain that goes with it.

I guess I have taught my children well that whatever they want to say to me is OK. Whatever they want to accuse me of doing or being, or saying as they perceive it is OK, as long as they ask one important question. "Are you going to be OK?" As soon as I say, "I will be" they are off the hook. They can then say whatever they want, however they want, express their opinions however hurtful and then turn away without any other thoughts or worries. They know I will keep any comments to myself that may seem to me like they would be hurtful back., so it is safe for them, knowing they I will not hurt back. I listen but I don't fight back. I allow them the feeling of being right, even if they are so far off base it is unbelievable, rather then fight with them or try and change their thinking. Then they go back to life while I work through the pain, the tears, the feelings and find my way back out of the sorrow. They have seen me bounce back time and again, find the strength to work through the feelings and the tears, and then go on loving them unconditionally. Even my grandchildren have learned the same lesson, hurt, ask and then walk away and don't look back or care because grandma is strong and even if she is hurt won't come back to hurt you, but will keep on loving just the same as she always has.

Right now I have a lot of anger, unexpressed and kept from those I could direct it at. My anger or frustration isn't something that at this time will make a difference to the others involved anyway. Besides, expressing it to them would just be seen by them as not understanding, not accepting, not supporting, not loving or not having faith. The feelings would not recognized as what they really are : loss, abandonment, fear, helplessness, conflict with faith and testimony, confusion, or pain. I have taught my family well that it is OK for them to have anger, but not to expect it from me. Mom and grandma will just cry her way through the feelings silently. She will be angry at herself and maybe at others, but they won't have to feel any guilt or take any blame or feel any sorrow for things said or done. They can just go on pretending life is good and they are perfect in the way they handle situations and relationships.

I guess the bottom line is this, like so many times before, I will take the blame for what is not mine so others will not have to feel the pain of doing anything wrong. I will not defend myself or speak up for the truth, because they other person may not be able to handle the feelings that might result. Once again I will allow others to throw the burden of blame on my shoulders so their burden will be light because I know I am strong, but don't know where they are emotionally or mentally, and don't want to risk their happiness. Once again I will be the scapegoat, the reason for someone else's trials and tribulations so they do not have to look at themselves and take responsibility for their own actions or their own results. I will love them enough to take on all the suffering so they can experience peace, value, contentment and life as they desire. I will continue to love them unconditionally, whatever the pain or price, and may or may not ever know that love back from them. I will continue to love them, whether I hear from them or not, for that is who I am. I am their mother, their grandmother, their support or their friend. I am- ME.