Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Backing Up Not Giving Up
There are times when it seems that no matter where you think you are going, you end up back in the same place, facing the same challenges. You find you are tired of trying. You may feel like you have tried it all and there is nothing new. You may even feel like there is no point in trying anymore.
During the past few weeks I have experienced all those feelings. I thought we were moving forward with a family member, hope was feeling close, although doubts were prevalent. Then it happened. An event occurred which was all too familiar, leaving behind the certainty that now was not the time to make the anticipated move. More work, communication and insight need to take place.
So with the feelings of discouragement, failure and frustration, and arguments with other family members over the situation, there came a time for choice. Do I just admit defeat and give up? Do I walk away and just say forget it? Do I just let someone else, who thinks they can do it better, just take over and forget all I have done? NO! I do not just Give Up. (Besides case workers and therapists insisted I couldn't do that.) The answer is to Back Up.
Backing up is completely different than giving up. Backing up means being willing to move rather than just be still. It means I get to choose differently than I have been. It means the family member involved may get less of what it is he thinks he wants until he earns it. Backing up means reevaluation of what has been given, and whether to continue to give as before or go back to the beginning and start fresh. Backing up means letting go of co-dependent actions and thoughts, admitting they were either taken advantage of or not appreciated anyway. Backing up means taking a more honest look at myself and the situation and not rationalizing or looking for something that may not be real, but was believed by rationalizing about or excusing other factors. Backing up is saying "no" to putting the perceived needs and wishes of others before the genuine needs and wishes of my own. Backing up means learning more, learning something new or opening myself up to just receiving knowledge and inspiration.
I am not choosing to Give Up. I am choosing to Back Up. I choose to not stand still or cower in grief but to take a step, even though it may appear to be sideways or backwards from the goal I had before. I choose to let old goals and beliefs float away and to capture new goals, beliefs and knowledge. I choose to grow not wither, to reach not stoop, and to have faith not discouragement.
I will not Give UP. I will Back Up and Move Forward Again
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Time Passes Too Fast
Is it just my age or is time moving swifter than it used to? I could swear it had only been a few months since I posted. Now I look and and realize it has been more than 1/2 a year.
I had such good intentions, and then life changed. My Sunday writing time became replaced by weekly drives and visits with my grandson. Evening writing time got lost due to having to work later to make up for time off for therapy, courts and other family obligations that interfere with a regular 8 to 5 schedule. My relax after work time has become computer game time, and preparing a late dinner for the family, and scripture study with our new home teacher and his wife. (A story in itself.)
I don't know how it is in your life but Time Passes Too Fast for me. I am sure it was just yesterday that my granddaughter told me she was expecting, and yet today it is just a few months away and I am pushing her to get her room ready so we can move the baby furniture in. I thought it was just yesterday that I finished the latest Jelisa story, and when I look it is saved three months ago, but I don't know where the time flew to. I thought it has only been a few days not a full 2 weeks since I last wrote in my journal, but the dates when I open up the book tell me otherwise. I was positive it was just yesterday that I was thinking of new ways I could show my value at work and keep my current job...Oh, thank goodness, finally one that really was just yesterday.
One day blurs into another lately. I flow from one thing to another, just getting this done or that done, and finally reaching the end of the day. I wake up the next morning, mentally list and review all the things I want or need to get done, and then begin, complete a few here and there, do what I have to, be pleasant and kind, and finally fall into bed, numb my mind with something from the computer, and fall asleep. Before I realize it days and weeks have passed without my marking them off or even making a note of them. They were here and gone while I breathed my way through them.
So what happened to all those lost days? Have they truly been lost? Did time pass too fast for me to use it wisely? No! I used those days to increase my testimony and note it in a gratitude journal during sacrament meeting. Those days contained moments of understanding, compassion, encouragement and listening that increased levels of trust, love and understanding in many relationships. Sometime during the past few weeks as I watched time pass too fast I created 12 articles that a coworker read, was amazed by the ideas presented, and is impatiently waiting for me to put together the rest of the presentation so she can understand how all this "great stuff" fits together into a marketing plan. Somewhere in those days I also gained a stronger testimony and a deeper belief in myself and in the possibility of receiving blessings that I feel have been just out of my reach, a someday wish that I have continued to hope for yet put off for the day when I have more time. Perhaps now, while time passes too fast for me to note it's passing, those dreams are nearer than ever before.
Time does pass too fast for us to keep. Yet when we capture a moment or two here or there through love, use of our talents or taking a step toward our future it has not passed in vain. As time passes too fast we are offered a glimpse of a future where time is not noted and we live on doing the everyday things we do best..loving, creating and blessing others in our own unique ways.
I had such good intentions, and then life changed. My Sunday writing time became replaced by weekly drives and visits with my grandson. Evening writing time got lost due to having to work later to make up for time off for therapy, courts and other family obligations that interfere with a regular 8 to 5 schedule. My relax after work time has become computer game time, and preparing a late dinner for the family, and scripture study with our new home teacher and his wife. (A story in itself.)
I don't know how it is in your life but Time Passes Too Fast for me. I am sure it was just yesterday that my granddaughter told me she was expecting, and yet today it is just a few months away and I am pushing her to get her room ready so we can move the baby furniture in. I thought it was just yesterday that I finished the latest Jelisa story, and when I look it is saved three months ago, but I don't know where the time flew to. I thought it has only been a few days not a full 2 weeks since I last wrote in my journal, but the dates when I open up the book tell me otherwise. I was positive it was just yesterday that I was thinking of new ways I could show my value at work and keep my current job...Oh, thank goodness, finally one that really was just yesterday.
One day blurs into another lately. I flow from one thing to another, just getting this done or that done, and finally reaching the end of the day. I wake up the next morning, mentally list and review all the things I want or need to get done, and then begin, complete a few here and there, do what I have to, be pleasant and kind, and finally fall into bed, numb my mind with something from the computer, and fall asleep. Before I realize it days and weeks have passed without my marking them off or even making a note of them. They were here and gone while I breathed my way through them.
So what happened to all those lost days? Have they truly been lost? Did time pass too fast for me to use it wisely? No! I used those days to increase my testimony and note it in a gratitude journal during sacrament meeting. Those days contained moments of understanding, compassion, encouragement and listening that increased levels of trust, love and understanding in many relationships. Sometime during the past few weeks as I watched time pass too fast I created 12 articles that a coworker read, was amazed by the ideas presented, and is impatiently waiting for me to put together the rest of the presentation so she can understand how all this "great stuff" fits together into a marketing plan. Somewhere in those days I also gained a stronger testimony and a deeper belief in myself and in the possibility of receiving blessings that I feel have been just out of my reach, a someday wish that I have continued to hope for yet put off for the day when I have more time. Perhaps now, while time passes too fast for me to note it's passing, those dreams are nearer than ever before.
Time does pass too fast for us to keep. Yet when we capture a moment or two here or there through love, use of our talents or taking a step toward our future it has not passed in vain. As time passes too fast we are offered a glimpse of a future where time is not noted and we live on doing the everyday things we do best..loving, creating and blessing others in our own unique ways.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
In Perspective With Gratitude
I just read on FaceBook that my sister had gone through our mother's music, organized it and downsized what was there. My heart skipped a few beats, I went emotionally into panic mode, and fear. All I could hope was it was only the music that mom used for teaching her piano students and not all the old pieces in the cabinet, some of which to me would be irreplaceable.
There is a lot of music mom has that is much more than just a sheet of notes. Much of her music is tied in with memories and precious moments and sounds that cannot be recreated and never forgotten. There is music in the cabinet that is older than I am, older than my parents even, yet I love more than anything that is new. There is music in the cabinet that were favorites of my uncles, aunts, cousins, parents and grandparents. To me the music in the cabinet cannot be downsized. It can be shared among the family, cherished and kept for new generations to learn and love, but never given away. For almost every piece in the cabinet has a story, a person or a time attached to it. Mother's whole life history can be chronicled through the music that is or should be in that cabinet. Even some of the music that was probably on the shelf with her piano teaching books should be added to the cabinet, for it is part of he.r later life and what music has played an important part her later life.
My sisters and I have often talked about the time when we would all sit down together and go through the music. We have even discussed different pieces that are important to each of us and how hard it could be to decide, when the same song is important to each of us, who would be the keeper of the music sheets and who would keep only the memories. I have always kept that time as far away, and my sister's post made me look at how quickly the years are passing and how the times we think are far away can become here and now in a fraction of a second.
Until my sister's post about the music, I had not let the knowledge that mom's accident could have been fatal hit my heart and mind, or allow the tears to flow slowly down. I have thanked the Lord that it was not more serious than it is and that she is alive, but had not let the feeling of loss do anymore than quickly pass through. Yet the thought that we could be going through the music right now anyway, without Mom still here, really hit me hard. I was so grateful that my sister could have the opportunity to go through the music, organize it and downsize some of it as an effort to make things easier for mother in the next few weeks and months, and hopefully many more years. I was so grateful we as a family were not sorting through the music to make it easier on dad because having all the music there is too much of a reminder of mother for him to handle. With perspective, the loss of a few sheets of music was far better than the loss of everything my mother is my life.
So instead of feeling panic that my sister is going through the music, and wondering what she kept or didn't, or what she will take home with her, I will send her my love, my encouragement and a prayer that she will be inspired in her choices. I will pray that as she goes through the music, she will be surrounded by all the people from the other side of the veil that know and love the music, and that they will inspire her choices of what to keep or how to organize it so it can be shared with love. I will pray that as she and mother go through the music, that they will feel surrounded by love from those here on this earth and those that are waiting for mother to join them in heaven. Music has been a thread through so many generations, and this music represents the thread that can be unwound for many more generations to come.
In perspective, now is the perfect time to be going through mother's music, and share it again. I am grateful for the chance to have mother here to bless it's passage. I pray that I will take the time as I review the sheets of notes, that I will write down the memories, the history and the love of each one special to me so my children and grandchildren will know why music is so much a part of my life and who I am or what I have become.
There is a lot of music mom has that is much more than just a sheet of notes. Much of her music is tied in with memories and precious moments and sounds that cannot be recreated and never forgotten. There is music in the cabinet that is older than I am, older than my parents even, yet I love more than anything that is new. There is music in the cabinet that were favorites of my uncles, aunts, cousins, parents and grandparents. To me the music in the cabinet cannot be downsized. It can be shared among the family, cherished and kept for new generations to learn and love, but never given away. For almost every piece in the cabinet has a story, a person or a time attached to it. Mother's whole life history can be chronicled through the music that is or should be in that cabinet. Even some of the music that was probably on the shelf with her piano teaching books should be added to the cabinet, for it is part of he.r later life and what music has played an important part her later life.
My sisters and I have often talked about the time when we would all sit down together and go through the music. We have even discussed different pieces that are important to each of us and how hard it could be to decide, when the same song is important to each of us, who would be the keeper of the music sheets and who would keep only the memories. I have always kept that time as far away, and my sister's post made me look at how quickly the years are passing and how the times we think are far away can become here and now in a fraction of a second.
Until my sister's post about the music, I had not let the knowledge that mom's accident could have been fatal hit my heart and mind, or allow the tears to flow slowly down. I have thanked the Lord that it was not more serious than it is and that she is alive, but had not let the feeling of loss do anymore than quickly pass through. Yet the thought that we could be going through the music right now anyway, without Mom still here, really hit me hard. I was so grateful that my sister could have the opportunity to go through the music, organize it and downsize some of it as an effort to make things easier for mother in the next few weeks and months, and hopefully many more years. I was so grateful we as a family were not sorting through the music to make it easier on dad because having all the music there is too much of a reminder of mother for him to handle. With perspective, the loss of a few sheets of music was far better than the loss of everything my mother is my life.
So instead of feeling panic that my sister is going through the music, and wondering what she kept or didn't, or what she will take home with her, I will send her my love, my encouragement and a prayer that she will be inspired in her choices. I will pray that as she goes through the music, she will be surrounded by all the people from the other side of the veil that know and love the music, and that they will inspire her choices of what to keep or how to organize it so it can be shared with love. I will pray that as she and mother go through the music, that they will feel surrounded by love from those here on this earth and those that are waiting for mother to join them in heaven. Music has been a thread through so many generations, and this music represents the thread that can be unwound for many more generations to come.
In perspective, now is the perfect time to be going through mother's music, and share it again. I am grateful for the chance to have mother here to bless it's passage. I pray that I will take the time as I review the sheets of notes, that I will write down the memories, the history and the love of each one special to me so my children and grandchildren will know why music is so much a part of my life and who I am or what I have become.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Creative Christmas Results
Christmas is over, and most of the presents are put away. I say most because the books I decided to give are still here and there, waiting to be read or written or drawn in.
Even though I got some unexpected money from Santa to buy presents with, I decided I still wanted to give each of my children and grandchildren a book for Christmas. So I searched the internet for some ideas, free printable pages, recipes and articles. Designed some simple covers, and wroted some comments and personal thoughts to make each book unique or special.
Each of my 5 children received a book containing 4 stories I had written when they were children. One of the stories was written during a time when 2 of the children were receiving treatment for a congenital disease they had. My son spent several weeks confined in the hospital to a bed due to traction. He didn't respond to many things, but one thing he did respond to was reading. To keep things varied and special, I would write a short children's story at night after I put the other children to bed, and take it to the hospital the next day. As I read the story, I would have him draw a picture to go with the story. Of the many stories I wrote during that time, I only have the original of this one, for the rest were given to other mothers with children in the hospital or kept by the nurses to share with other patients. 2 of the stories I included were ones that the children would take to school to share with thei
r teachers at Halloween and at Christmas. The 4th story I included was one I wrote and have shared with many primary classes throughout the years. One of the girls said she didn't remember these stories, but another daughter was thrilled to have a copy of them and remembered the times she shared them with her friends at school.
r teachers at Halloween and at Christmas. The 4th story I included was one I wrote and have shared with many primary classes throughout the years. One of the girls said she didn't remember these stories, but another daughter was thrilled to have a copy of them and remembered the times she shared them with her friends at school. My 3 year old grandson received an activity book that contained coloring, tracing , counting and matching games and pages. The 5 year old granddaughter received a book of paper dolls and clothes to play with. The 10 and 11 year old girls received some fill-it-in journals. I wasn't sure if the 10 year old would really like it, but she was thrilled with it and said it was just what she wanted, and the smile and her face said as much as her words. For the older 3, ages 16 and 18 I gathered some family recipes, and included some ideas of things you could cook in a microwave or easy dorm meals for students. Then I personalized each book with my testimony, some ideas on being a missionary, some personal traits I admired, some values to live by, and some suggestions from others in foster care on how to make personal changes. Finally for a precious great-granddaughter, age 1, who is always in my heart, I printed out some personalized Disney stories for her I hope she will enjoy.
I thank the Lord for the spirit of creation he blesses me with. This is not the first Christmas, nor I am sure will it be the last, that a little thought and originality will be given and received with love. Creativity is one of the gifts the Lord has given me that I have been able to use throughout the years to touch family, friends, neighbors and even strangers in powerful ways. I pray that I will remain open to the spirit of direction and will continue to touch the lives of others for many more years.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Creative Christmas Beginning
Christmas is drawing near, whether I am ready or not. I tried to pretend it wasn't coming, but C bought a tree last week, and A and I decorated it. We brought up one of the nativity sets from downstairs and set it up. Now I am getting into the spirit. I guess I will let it come. Not only will I let it come, I will look for ways to enjoy the season and make it one of memories. Christmas is usually one of the best times of the year for me. I love giving to all my family and friends, even if the gifts are small. I love making gifts with my grandchildren that they can give to others and see the delight in their faces when they make something they know will be special for someone else.
Everyone around me has a list of "wants", "wishes", "if you have the money" and "Santa ideas" that they are either compiling or have already given me. They are all great ideas and gifts - just one problem- they all require something I don't have an overabundance of...Money. Oh they know money is tight, but they believe Grandma can work miracles (or will receive one between now and Christmas Eve). So this year is one of those years where creativity and simplicity will be called upon frequently until a miracle does occur. I have had many of these kinds of Christmas years, so this is not new, just a push in the right direction to use and share my talents with others.
So since I only have a little more than 15 days left to create an abundance I gifts I decided I better get started. I decided I wanted to give something to each of my grandchildren and each of my children. I want it to be personal and special, and books or stories is what keeps coming to my mind. So last night I got online and started searching for ideas. I decided to start with 3 year old D. His gift from grandma will be a box of crayons and an activity book. I was able to find some easy pages to print off (I have about 18 right now) and will put them together into a comb bound book for him. This morning as I was browsing, I found some simple little paper dolls and clothes to print off. I figure I can design a cute little folder for Jordan to keep them in. Then I found some lds clipart journal pages that could work as a start of a gift for A and S. This evening I thought about putting together a book for T and E that has a few simple recipes, household tips, life advice, etc and call it something like, "When You Can't Reach Grandma". I think I could come up with some ideas to make mission, college or leaving home on your own a little easier or give them a few laughs on a rough day.
I could say these gifts would not cost me anything, but they still will take printer ink, which I can buy with my paycheck next week. However, 5 or 6 gifts for the the $40 the ink will cost seems practical to me. Now I just need the time to write, and I am sure it will be found. After all I found the time to write these few thoughts today, so hope is bright before me.
Well - off to bed so my creative juices can fill and I can get a new start in the morning.
Everyone around me has a list of "wants", "wishes", "if you have the money" and "Santa ideas" that they are either compiling or have already given me. They are all great ideas and gifts - just one problem- they all require something I don't have an overabundance of...Money. Oh they know money is tight, but they believe Grandma can work miracles (or will receive one between now and Christmas Eve). So this year is one of those years where creativity and simplicity will be called upon frequently until a miracle does occur. I have had many of these kinds of Christmas years, so this is not new, just a push in the right direction to use and share my talents with others.
So since I only have a little more than 15 days left to create an abundance I gifts I decided I better get started. I decided I wanted to give something to each of my grandchildren and each of my children. I want it to be personal and special, and books or stories is what keeps coming to my mind. So last night I got online and started searching for ideas. I decided to start with 3 year old D. His gift from grandma will be a box of crayons and an activity book. I was able to find some easy pages to print off (I have about 18 right now) and will put them together into a comb bound book for him. This morning as I was browsing, I found some simple little paper dolls and clothes to print off. I figure I can design a cute little folder for Jordan to keep them in. Then I found some lds clipart journal pages that could work as a start of a gift for A and S. This evening I thought about putting together a book for T and E that has a few simple recipes, household tips, life advice, etc and call it something like, "When You Can't Reach Grandma". I think I could come up with some ideas to make mission, college or leaving home on your own a little easier or give them a few laughs on a rough day.
I could say these gifts would not cost me anything, but they still will take printer ink, which I can buy with my paycheck next week. However, 5 or 6 gifts for the the $40 the ink will cost seems practical to me. Now I just need the time to write, and I am sure it will be found. After all I found the time to write these few thoughts today, so hope is bright before me.
Well - off to bed so my creative juices can fill and I can get a new start in the morning.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Life Moves On
Life Moves On. There is no way to stop it. No matter what you do, or do not do- Life Moves On.
Life Moves On. There is in way to slow it down, pause it or even stop it. There is no way you can rewind it, speed it up or fast forward it. There is no way you can hasten it along or make it linger. You cannot keep up with the count as the moments flow on. and in the trying you fall even further behine. It just keeps moving whether you want it to or not at its own steady pace.
Life Moves On, It brings you a myriad of experiences, feelings, lessons, hopes and even disappointment. It moves you from stage to stage never clearly marking where one ends and the next one starts. Life ages you gradually, one day at a time and doesn't require a thank you for its gift. Life allows you to choose how you will experience it, and doesn't care whether you change your mind occasionally on how you will do it. Life understands no days are alike so each day may be faced in different ways . Life leaves memories in it's wake, and understands if you choose to forget some, and treasure others, or even sometimes have to reach back to search for some you forgot to gather while they were happening Life as you know it begins and then in an instant it changes or ceases to exist at all. Then Life Moves On,
Life Moves On. It is different. You are different. There are Questions to be answered and Questions to ask. Life asks what you did with it and why and listens patiently even when it already knows the answers, for it knows your retelling life in your own words is how you decide to accept your life. You Move On with Life.
Then Life Moves On.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Down and Up- Going On
I knew it had been a while since I had written, but I didn't realize how long it had been. Time has gone and there is no way of calling it back. Life has been up and down, happy and sad, trials and joys, no two days ever being the same, while time has kept going on.
There have been many downs, but this evening I would like to concentrate on the ups of the past few months.
One of the up days was my oldest granddaughter and my oldest grandson's graduation on June 4. It was a very emotional day, and filled with love and joy. I was so proud of T. He is so smart and has worked so hard to achieve the honors he has. T wore a blue cap and gown, but he also wore a special overlay honoring him as being among the top 5% of his graduating class, and 5 ropes of different colors, each one representing a scholarship he had been offered. As proud of him as I was, I couldn't help but note how he had surrounded himself with friends of the same caliber. Most of his friends that I knew also received additional honors such as scholarships or being in the top 5 of 10% of their class. E wore a white cap and gown, and although she did not wear the honors that T did, I was just as proud of her for her accomplishments, for to reach her goals she had to work even harder than T to make up classes, study, finish extra packets and overcome learning challenges that make it harder for her to keep up and perform as she would like to. I gave T a gold and silver watch, and E a string of multi-colored pastel pearls. Of course the most important person there for E was a 7 month old little girl and her parents who were just as proud of E as I was. E was able to meet with her daughter and the adoptive parents without anyone else but W and I knowing what was taking her so long to join the rest of the family for pictures. I was also so proud of E's boyfriend W. He also graduated in the to 10% and had a scholarship to the University of Utah he can use when he is ready.
**Note: This post was written back in July, but never posted because I got called away and never finishes it. I am still proud of E and T so I am choosing to post it now anyway- finished or not.
There have been many downs, but this evening I would like to concentrate on the ups of the past few months.
One of the up days was my oldest granddaughter and my oldest grandson's graduation on June 4. It was a very emotional day, and filled with love and joy. I was so proud of T. He is so smart and has worked so hard to achieve the honors he has. T wore a blue cap and gown, but he also wore a special overlay honoring him as being among the top 5% of his graduating class, and 5 ropes of different colors, each one representing a scholarship he had been offered. As proud of him as I was, I couldn't help but note how he had surrounded himself with friends of the same caliber. Most of his friends that I knew also received additional honors such as scholarships or being in the top 5 of 10% of their class. E wore a white cap and gown, and although she did not wear the honors that T did, I was just as proud of her for her accomplishments, for to reach her goals she had to work even harder than T to make up classes, study, finish extra packets and overcome learning challenges that make it harder for her to keep up and perform as she would like to. I gave T a gold and silver watch, and E a string of multi-colored pastel pearls. Of course the most important person there for E was a 7 month old little girl and her parents who were just as proud of E as I was. E was able to meet with her daughter and the adoptive parents without anyone else but W and I knowing what was taking her so long to join the rest of the family for pictures. I was also so proud of E's boyfriend W. He also graduated in the to 10% and had a scholarship to the University of Utah he can use when he is ready.
**Note: This post was written back in July, but never posted because I got called away and never finishes it. I am still proud of E and T so I am choosing to post it now anyway- finished or not.
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