Insecurity - Should I Worry or Trust Myself?

I have a co-worker  who is planning a trip to our corporate office in Boston, Massachusetts.  I have had numerous co-workers make a similar trip, wished them well and actually been excited for them.  It can be a great trip.  The one time I was privileged to journey back there, I had a wonderful time.  As I am not a social body, eager to find the most fantastic restaurant or the best entertainment, I enjoyed time alone being able to write some thoughts which seemed exciting to me at the time.  So why am I not feeling excitement and joy for this co-worker to visit Bean Town , enjoy the sights or mingle with other co-workers?

The reason is my own insecurity and lack of trust in her presentation of matters she has voiced concerns about.  In her mind, she may feel she is offering assistance, but it doesn't seem to feel that way to me.  I know, it is just my perception of her and my personal reaction to her comments, yet I find myself dreading the results she could create by talking about her concerns and beliefs of how I should be running the office, what a caring company should be doing for their employees, or what we are doing as an office or team that should be changed, how or by whom.

So, I find myself checking my trust level with myself and others I work closely with.  Do I trust that I could defend my skills, knowledge, abilities, choices and work ethic if they are challenged by something this co-worker may say or misrepresent based on her own beliefs, attitudes or work expectations?  I find myself checking my trust level with the corporate people I work with which this co-worker will be interacting or communicating with.  I hope I have created trust and a relationship with them which will allow them to be supportive of me, my work, actions, decisions and business ethics, allowing them to listen with understanding without reacting or making changes based only on her comments which may differ from the way I may have presented or communicated the same situation or concern. 

I know I am an asset to the organization and what I do has value.  My interactions with clients is often just as important, and sometimes much more delicate in balance, than other team members in the office.  I know I am an asset to the organization in the way I have and do interact with other team members in our office and offer support, encouragement and suggestions.  I know I am valued as someone who is dependable and steady, yet flexible enough to be called on to take on new duties and able to handle changes and challenges with a great attitude.   This knowledge and confidence is what I will hold onto during the next few weeks.

My answer to the question is this - I Will Trust Myself and Others.  I will trust myself that during the next two weeks my efforts, abilities and knowledge will be proven to others.  I will trust that I will make a personal list of subjects, based on local co-worker comments or concerns, which I may need to be prepared to discuss after this particular co-worker's visit to the corporate office,  I will trust the knowledge, experience and skills of corporate managers and owners to know what is pertinent or not pertinent to the well being of the local office as well as the overall company.  

I will hope that you also can make the same decision.  Trust yourself.  Trust those who know you well.  Trust your abilities, learned skills, knowledge and ethics will be noticed and appreciated.  Trust in the abilities, knowledge, ethics and beliefs of those who have an influence on your life.   Lastly, trust, as I will be, that the best will be the end result. 

One Minute

One minute to write.  Is there really something to say in one minute?  Can I think of words that would inspire myself or others?  Of course I can.

I stumbled onto a blog called oneminutewriter.blogspot.com.  The opening page really hit home with me.  I have 1,440 minutes a day, so why not write for 1 minute.  So here I am writing for one minute to see what happens and so I can say I did it today.  I like the idea.

Well my one minute is up, so now what?  I guess I could write for another minute.   In one minute I can remind myself, to not get discouraged because I have not posted something on line, or written a series of blogs regularly. I can remember, "it doesn't have to look a certain way."  Maybe  my minutes of writing are not found on my computer, on the internet or a book to hold in your hand, but they have   In one minute I can remind myself how often I have used a minute of writing to touch or reach out to someone. Maybe not as often as I would like, but of ten enough to have made a difference. 

In one minute I have told someone that I love them, cherish them and my life would never be the same.  In one minute I have written a note of encouragement to a friend who was struggling with a problem I have faced myself.  In one minute I have written a note explaining how to make something better.   In one minute I have written a note of comfort to someone in sorrow.  In one minute I have shared a testimony or a belief.  In one minute I have written ideas for a friend to explore in planning a special event.  In one minute I have thanked a friend for a kindness I saw or appreciated.  In one minute I have told someone the good I see in her or something of worth I saw her share.  In one minute I have written down a solution to a problem.  In one minute I have shared the wonder of the universe with a child.  In one minute I have shared a talent.  In one minute I have written a prayer.  In one minute I have written down numerous blessing I am thankful for. 

So today, with one of the minutes of my day,  I will write myself a reminder to "Write One Minute", and post it where I will see it often throughout my day.  Today I will post this and be glad I found this minute.

Different - Not Better

Why do we let other's opinions get in our way?  Where did we learn or decide that what they think is better than what we think or believe?  The truth is- their opinion is just different- not better. 
Yesterday our new home teacher came to our home.  He was asking about some of our interests, and of course I said that I love to write short stories, and explained how and why I had started writing short stories for children.  Alex told him I was thinking of getting them published.  Rather than just wishing me luck, he started telling me about another couple in the ward that are professional writers and that they had several things published and had their own website.  He asked if I knew them and suggested that they could teach me how to write so that I could have something published someday.  I am sure that he was trying to be supportive however something about either what he said or the way he said it left me feeling as though he felt I was less of a writer than this other woman and her husband, and that if I would talk with them I could be good like they are. 
I let the thoughts lie dormant until this morning, as I was busy helping several family members yesterday.  Then the thoughts surfaced again as I was thinking of my own stories and wondering if my daughter had found a chance to read any of them that I had sent her to edit for me.  So I did a quick search for this author whom I had already met a few weeks previously through my visiting teacher.  What was the book she had published?  What were her books about?  She had talked at dinner the evening we were together about the importance of submitting your work to many places or agents if I really wanted to be well known or actually sell any of my work.  
Well, I am glad I searched.  For here I am, able to share with you that I know she is not necessarily a better writer than I, but she is a different kind of writer, with different opportunities and experiences. 
I found that like me, she creates alot of short stories.  It is some of these short stories that have won her an award (hence her suggestion that I search for contests to enter) several years ago.  I was feeling bad because I have not created a novel or a long book.  What I found out is that much of what she has had published are short stories included in another author's compilation book of science fiction stories.  Yes she writes fiction, but her fiction is very different than mine.  Her stories are all science fiction and fantasy, except for one piece she had published in The Friend.  She has the support and assistance of a husband who has also co-authored stories with her.  Her husband is a "world builder" which means he creates fantasy worlds and populates them for science fiction.  While I work full time, and find only a few minutes to write early in the morning or late at night when my mind is already numb from the cares of the day, she works only part-time, has no children home, and has several hours each day to focus on her writing. 
So as I left her website, and moved back to my own short stories, I left with a better attitude than I had started my search with.    I had let the opinion of someone else put a doubt in my mind that I was a good writer, or that my writing was of worth.  The reality is that neither the other author, her author husband or I are better than one another, we are just different.  We write differently, we have had different opportunities to share our work.  They have been able to share their work through magazines and compilation books of short stories, while I have shared my work with teachers, children, friends and other parents I have known, and am now ready to share it with many more people.   They are blessed to have several hours each day to be able to focus on their writing, while I am blessed with many hours each day to focus on what I feel I believe I can share with others through my talents and abilities.  They are able to support, encourage and even work together on their stories and writing.  I currently enjoy support and encouragement from close family members in moving in a new direction with my writing and reaching out. 

So I remind myself, and you my reader, to remember to balance our own opinions with those of others.  Opinions are not truth.  Someone else's opinion does not make us right or wrong, better or worse.  In the light of knowledge, opinions just offer a chance to see difference. 

In Perspective With Gratitude

I just read on FaceBook that my sister had gone through our mother's music, organized it and downsized what was there.  My heart skipped a few beats, I went emotionally into panic mode, and fear.  All I could hope was it was only the music that mom used for teaching her piano students and not all the old pieces in the cabinet, some of which to me would be irreplaceable. 
There is a lot of music mom has that is much more than just a sheet of notes.  Much of her music is tied in with memories and precious moments and sounds that cannot be recreated and never forgotten.  There is music in the cabinet that is older than I am, older than my parents even, yet I love more than anything that is new.  There is music in the cabinet that were favorites of my uncles, aunts, cousins, parents and grandparents.  To me the music in the cabinet cannot be downsized.  It can be shared among the family, cherished and kept for new generations to learn and love, but never given away.  For almost every piece in the cabinet has a story, a person or a time attached to it.  Mother's whole life history can be chronicled through the music that is or should be in that cabinet.  Even some of the music that was probably on the shelf with her piano teaching books should be added to the cabinet, for it is part of he.r later life and what music has played an important part her later life.   
My sisters and I have often talked about the time when we would all sit down together and go through the music.  We have even discussed different pieces that are important to each of us and how hard it could be to decide, when the same song is important to each of us, who would be the keeper of the music sheets and who would keep only the memories.  I have always kept that time as far away, and my sister's post made me look at how quickly the years are passing and how the times we think are far away can become here and now in a fraction of a second.
Until my sister's post about the music, I had not let the knowledge that mom's accident could have been fatal hit my heart and mind, or allow the tears to flow slowly down.  I have thanked the Lord that it was not more serious than it is and that she is alive, but had not let the feeling of loss do anymore than quickly pass through. Yet the thought that we could be going through the music right now anyway, without Mom still here, really hit me hard.  I was so grateful that my sister could have the opportunity to go through the music, organize it and downsize some of it as an effort to make things easier for mother in the next few weeks and months, and hopefully many more years.   I was so grateful we as a family were not sorting through the music to make it easier on dad because having all the music there is too much of a reminder of mother for him to handle.  With perspective, the loss of a few sheets of music was far better than the loss of everything my mother is my life. 
So instead of feeling panic that my sister is going through the music, and wondering what she kept or didn't, or what she will take home with her,  I will send her my love, my encouragement and a prayer that she will be inspired in her choices.  I will pray that as she goes through the music, she will be surrounded by all the people from the other side of the veil that know and love the music, and that they will inspire her choices of what to keep or how to organize it so it can be shared with love.  I will pray that as she and mother go through the music, that they will feel surrounded by love from those here on this earth and those that are waiting for mother to join them in heaven.  Music has been a thread through so many generations, and this music represents the thread that can be unwound for many more generations to come.
In perspective, now is the perfect time to be going through mother's music, and share it again. I am grateful for the chance to have mother here to bless it's passage.  I pray that I will take the time as I review the sheets of notes, that I will write down the memories, the history and the love of each one special to me so my children and grandchildren will know why music is so much a part of my life and who I am or what I have become.  

60 Is Different

I remember being young and hearing that my grandparents were 60. Sixty sounded so old.

I wondered what I would be like when I was 60 and old. Being 60 was synonomous with slowing down, relaxing in life, retiring and enjoying life in a new way. By 60 all your children were grown, and you and your lifetime companion can focus on gently loving each other as you grow old together. 60 was when you got to enjoy being free to do things with your grandchildren, travel to places of your dreams, have the day free to read a book or just nap as long as you would like. 60 was when your children started helping you more than you helped them. 60 was when you would have your house paid off and be debt free. 60 was when you could stay home and crochet or read a book and not feel guilty about what you didn't get done, because there was just you and your husband, and so there was not so much to "get done". Being 60 meant visiting friends, doing geneology, writing letters to those far away, making memories with those near and having time to ponder not just read scriptures. Reaching 60 meant having the opportunity to be involved in community service as a volunteer or serving with your spouse on a church mission. Being 60 meant having time to make cute little gifts for all of you children and grandchildren (like net scrubbers, crochet hats and scarves, small lap afghans, or "casserole removers" (grandma's name for hot pads) for birthdays and holidays. Being 60 meant being active in clubs, lunching with friends or just being home most of the time so your children and grandchildren could stop by for a few minutes whenever they got a chance to give a little love and get a little love in return.


Twenty years ago my parents were 60, and being 60 for them was certainly not all of the above. Dad was looking for work at 60 and facing the challenge of not finding any. Dad didn't retire from any long years of work, he just didn't find another job. Dad had time on his hands, so he turned to what he loved doing. He carved, carved some more and carved something else. At 60 dad was working hard all week to have things ready for the weekend when he would go to a local restaraunt and carve and take orders from those who were willing to pay for his unique abilities. At 60 mom was still giving piano lessons everyday, there was no slow down there. In fact at 60 mom took on more than ever before. Dad built his wood shop in the garage and turned a bedroom into his carving sanctuary. At 60 mom had to create a color center and become a painter, after all someone needed to paint all those carving he was producing. So at 60 mom found a new talent and has been perfecting it ever since. While grandma used to do geneology at the library, mom at 60 was supporting her brothers in their efforts to organize, sort through and understand all the valuable information they already had. At 60 mom focused on passing down the histories of ancestors to her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. For mom and dad 60 meant change, but not towards relaxation or slowing down, or spending more time with family, hobbies or personal pleasures. It has only been the last 5 years that they have begun to live the kind of life I used to expect for someone of 60.

Now I am 60, and believe me, it is nothing like what I thought it would be like. I can only dream about being able to retire some day. I work 40 hours+ per week, and commute back and forth across town every day. Although all my children are grown, I certainly do not have an empty nest. I have 3 grandchildren who call my place home, and A, the youngest, still has another 7 years of school left before she graduates from high school. While I used to think 60 meant children were independent and settled, I find myself at 60 dealing with caseworkers, therapists, foster care, and the emotional & financial ups and downs of others lives (just as my own parents still have with me). While I believed 60 was when you just sat back and enjoyed visiting quietly with your grandchildren, at 60 I am caring for an active 3 year old and a 5 month old 5 nights & mornings a week, and most of every weekend. So instead of growing old, I am learning how to stay young from experts at enjoying life as each day happens. Geneology for me is hoping I can find a few minutes here or there to write in a journal or a jot a few lines of encouragement to a loved one. At 60 my house was not paid off, instead, due to refinances, I still had a 35 year mortgage, and lost my home of 20 years to foreclosure. At 60, instead sitting down to watch a favorite show and working on a needlepoint or crochet gift for someone, I am logging on to work from home or research a question. Instead of sitting at a quiet dinner table and sharing memories as my grandparents did with me when they were 60, I am creating different memories by doing crafts, cooking or playing with a grandchild to keep him/her entertained so their parents can have a night out or get some needed sleep.

No, 60 is not what I thought it would be like, but it is not bad. What my grandparents enjoyed at 60 has been pushed off to the ages of 70 or 80. It is good to know there is still more time, because I sure need it. There is so much more that I want to do and enjoy I need another 20 years to reach what I perceived "60" to be.