Why Is This So Different?

I have lost count of how many times I have asked myself this question over the past days, weeks and months as I raise the youngest two children in my home.   As a single parent, I already raised my own five children.  Then I chose to take on the care and responsibility for three of my grandchildren.  Now I am starting over by raising two more children.   One might think since I have done it once, the second or third time should be a breeze.  Which, I guess, is why this question comes up so often.  I did it before, so why does it seem so hard? Why is this so different than last time? 

The answer is simple. Everything is different.    My financial situation is different.  My housing situation has changed several times over the years.  The support of family and/or family members is different. Former health and wellness concerns for me and others have been replaced by new medical and counseling needs.   The demands on my time have not remained the same through all the years.   Employment, hours and expectations have not remained constant.  Ways of dealing with stress or discouragement may be managed in a more or less effective manner.  Actions, thoughts and choices may have shifted in their level of priority or importance to me or someone else.   Relationships have certainly changed through out the years.  The expectations of society have changed over time.  Most importantly, no two children are alike, so it impossible for anything or everything to be the same as it used to be.

Last week, as I was looking through some prior journals, I found a passage where I must have asked myself the same question- What is different?   Reviewing the comparisons I made at that time between how things were when I was raising my five children alone and the reality of where I was at while raising three grandchildren was very informative.  I realized that whether I was to compare my present circumstances to thirty or ten years ago I would find a difference in every category.   In those few moments of reading, I felt a peaceful understanding settling in.

It is perfectly fine if what I am going through now, the choices I make and the results are different.   What worked in the past, worked because of the times, the people and the circumstances.  When dealing with different circumstances, people and challenges I was able to be, act and choose in another manner that were the best and most workable at that time.   No doubt, as I shift and reevaluate what is going on now, I will also find what works best in the present moments of life.  By recognizing the differences I can better decide how to use the knowledge, experience and skills I have gained from the differences of the past.  In recognizing the differences, as well as similarities, between the past and now both I and those I love will progress in new, different ways that will be just right, whether perfect or not, under the present circumstances and into the changing future. 
 
Are you feeling like life should be different than it is?  Ask yourself the question.  You may be surprised at the answers that come back. 





 

Appreciation- A Lost Art or or A Lack of Expectation?

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I have had the opportunity the past few weeks to reflect on the art of appreciation.  Many things have happened at work since we moved our office and hired a new employee which have given me almost a daily chance to reflect on how my opinions and my attitudes differ from my fellow employees.  I do not claim to be better or worse, but our level of appreciation for life circumstances are definitely on different levels. 
Perhaps my experiences in life have taught me to appreciate what I have and enjoy what I have rather than always looking for more.  Somewhere along the way I learned to see the good things that happen, especially the small things, and appreciate moments and the efforts of others.  The art of appreciation involves accepting the present as it is and doing the best I of whom I can be in the present circumstances.  I believe part of being appreciative is believing in myself, knowing what I am capable of and knowing I can find a solution to what may appear as a problem. 
Children have a natural ability to appreciate.  They appreciate freedom and the chance to life it their own way.  They are proud of growing past a stage where someone else is always doing things for them and appreciate the chances to do it themselves.  They appreciate gifts, hugs, conversations and attention.  They make the best of what they have and use imagination and creativity to create something they want.  
This week was the first week of school. My six year old grandson has been so excited to use his new lunchbox. It wasn't something fancy, a square insulated box with a zipper and a small outside pocket, but it was his, something he had chosen himself to take to school.   He enjoys finding things to put into his lunchbox.  He trusts me and his mother enough to believe his food would taste as wonderful at noon as it does in the morning.  He was eager to share with me that he had found his own straw, spoon and even remembered to pack a napkin and a plastic bag (to put his spoon and empty bottle in when he was done so he could bring them home to wash). Placing a cold pack in with the supplies he left each day with anticipation of the meal to come.    
What struck me was the difference of this child in comparison to the attitudes of some co-workers in my office. These adults are given a full hour for lunch; more than many companies I have previously worked for.  They are less than 3 minutes from two major stores and several fast food establishments. Yet as grownups they are unable to provide for themselves.  Since there wasn't a cafeteria, kitchen or café in the office building, would the company be willing to have lunch brought in everyday?  How often can they plan on the company providing lunch for them during busy times of the month or which are the busy months when they can plan on the company ordering lunches for them so they don't have to worry about having to rush to get back?   These adults were worried that within a 4 hour period of time their lunches would spoil if the company did not provide them with a refrigerator.  An insulated lunch-bag & freezer pack might not keep their lunches cold enough.  It would cost them up to $7 to purchase one, and if the company cared about them they would purchase one for them. They believe it should be up to the company to provide them with utensils, cups and napkins to use to eat their lunches with, after all they moved into an office building that doesn't have a kitchen where they can wash their dishes or utensils after they are through eating. 
Another example of appreciation versus expectation happened this week. The landlord of the office building invited everyone in the building to come on Thursday for an appreciation breakfast which the landlord was providing.  When I got to work that morning, I explained to my co-workers that I had explained to my grandson that I couldn't wait to drive him to school that morning because I had been invited to a breakfast where I worked.  Both co-workers told me that the breakfast wasn't anything to get excited about, and I shouldn't have hurried.  It was just bagels and fruit.     I have not worked in any other office building where the landlord provided breakfast for every company and every employee within the building and I appreciated the kindness, and wanted to thank them for even thinking about it.   When I reached the lobby, what I found was an assortment of 8 different kinds of bagels to choose from, 5 different kinds of cream cheese spreads, an assortment of jellies, a platter with 6 different kinds of sliced fruits and a choice of juice or milk.   I was impressed rather than disappointed.  I am aware that there are probably about 100 employees now working within the building that the landlord was providing breakfast for.   When I returned to my desk with my filled plate, I felt pampered and spoiled.  Part of the difference in attitude I found was that I had not expected much and was surprised and appreciative of the efforts to provide a variety of things to choose from to meet many tastes.  On the other hand my co-workers were disappointed because they expected much more.  One of them had come expecting a hot buffet breakfast (eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, potatoes or pancakes).  The other was disgruntled because they only provided bagels rather than a choice of other things (donuts, pastries, muffins, cookies, different coffees and creams) because they should have realized not everyone prefers bagels.  While I was focused on appreciating the unexpected offer and the efforts of the givers, my co-workers appeared to be focused on what they expected people to do for them and the disappointment they found because their expectations were not met.
In thinking about these differences this week I couldn't help but ask the question again, is appreciation a lost art?  Is it something we forgot to teach a younger generation?   I certainly hope not.  Am I taking what appears to me as a kind act or word as something special and appreciating the person or moment only because I do not expect something grander?  If so am I wrong in doing so?    Should I expect more from others than I do?  Expect others to anticipate my needs, wants and desires and provide them for my comfort and happiness?   
My answer is "NO!"  As long as I can look around and find things to appreciate the Art of Appreciation will not be lost.  I can share it with a thank you, a note or in a conversation.  I can do as I did with my co-workers and explain that I know how hard it is to provide a meal for a variety of people and point out the effort to those who didn't see it before, and be supportive of positive actions.  I can spread the art by sharing the things I do appreciate and encouraging others to find something positive in their own lives.  Most of all I can be grateful I have the ability to appreciate the small and big things in my own life and choose to use the Art of Appreciation as often as possible.

Different - Not Better

Why do we let other's opinions get in our way?  Where did we learn or decide that what they think is better than what we think or believe?  The truth is- their opinion is just different- not better. 
Yesterday our new home teacher came to our home.  He was asking about some of our interests, and of course I said that I love to write short stories, and explained how and why I had started writing short stories for children.  Alex told him I was thinking of getting them published.  Rather than just wishing me luck, he started telling me about another couple in the ward that are professional writers and that they had several things published and had their own website.  He asked if I knew them and suggested that they could teach me how to write so that I could have something published someday.  I am sure that he was trying to be supportive however something about either what he said or the way he said it left me feeling as though he felt I was less of a writer than this other woman and her husband, and that if I would talk with them I could be good like they are. 
I let the thoughts lie dormant until this morning, as I was busy helping several family members yesterday.  Then the thoughts surfaced again as I was thinking of my own stories and wondering if my daughter had found a chance to read any of them that I had sent her to edit for me.  So I did a quick search for this author whom I had already met a few weeks previously through my visiting teacher.  What was the book she had published?  What were her books about?  She had talked at dinner the evening we were together about the importance of submitting your work to many places or agents if I really wanted to be well known or actually sell any of my work.  
Well, I am glad I searched.  For here I am, able to share with you that I know she is not necessarily a better writer than I, but she is a different kind of writer, with different opportunities and experiences. 
I found that like me, she creates alot of short stories.  It is some of these short stories that have won her an award (hence her suggestion that I search for contests to enter) several years ago.  I was feeling bad because I have not created a novel or a long book.  What I found out is that much of what she has had published are short stories included in another author's compilation book of science fiction stories.  Yes she writes fiction, but her fiction is very different than mine.  Her stories are all science fiction and fantasy, except for one piece she had published in The Friend.  She has the support and assistance of a husband who has also co-authored stories with her.  Her husband is a "world builder" which means he creates fantasy worlds and populates them for science fiction.  While I work full time, and find only a few minutes to write early in the morning or late at night when my mind is already numb from the cares of the day, she works only part-time, has no children home, and has several hours each day to focus on her writing. 
So as I left her website, and moved back to my own short stories, I left with a better attitude than I had started my search with.    I had let the opinion of someone else put a doubt in my mind that I was a good writer, or that my writing was of worth.  The reality is that neither the other author, her author husband or I are better than one another, we are just different.  We write differently, we have had different opportunities to share our work.  They have been able to share their work through magazines and compilation books of short stories, while I have shared my work with teachers, children, friends and other parents I have known, and am now ready to share it with many more people.   They are blessed to have several hours each day to be able to focus on their writing, while I am blessed with many hours each day to focus on what I feel I believe I can share with others through my talents and abilities.  They are able to support, encourage and even work together on their stories and writing.  I currently enjoy support and encouragement from close family members in moving in a new direction with my writing and reaching out. 

So I remind myself, and you my reader, to remember to balance our own opinions with those of others.  Opinions are not truth.  Someone else's opinion does not make us right or wrong, better or worse.  In the light of knowledge, opinions just offer a chance to see difference.