What was I thinking?

Do you ever have days where you ask yourself "What was I thinking?"  I seem to be having a lot of those days lately.

I love the two great grandchildren I adopted, but when they are running around, as 4 and 5 year olds do I wonder.   When they are resisting going to sleep and jumping on the bed instead of lying down, while I am exhausted from a full day at work, cooking, cleaning and meeting various family needs, I sometimes wonder what I was thinking, but then I get a goodnight kiss or someone has to hold my hand in order to go to sleep, and I know I was thinking of them, not me, the love we have and the things I thought only I could give them. 

I know a daughter needs me to watch her children so she can work her unusual shifts, but sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I agreed.     When I have four children ages four to nine running from one room to another I wonder. When I am fixing the latest thing that got broken because of the combination of children playing together or not respecting the rules I find myself asking, why I thought I could have a nice home as long as I have so many young children playing in every room.   I not only question my own expectations but what others expect of me. Of course, a lot of things have changed, some on her end and some on my own since we agreed I would help, which is when it comes to the end is what the thought was - helping. 

What was I thinking when I took a cut in hours and pay a few years ago? At the time it didn't seem like a big deal,  it was only $5000 a year difference.  Now the difference is over $11,000 (almost a year's worth of mortgage payments or the payoff of my car).  I was thinking it was better to have a well paying shorter hour job than a full time job with less benefits or salary.  I was thinking the same thing I think about now, the trade off of money versus the schedule which allows for
medical appointments and meeting family needs. I am still thankful for the blessing it so often is.

I guess my point is, for me, that when I question myself and sometimes ask "What was I thinking?" , upon reflection I find that the decision was not made without thought and there is always a blessing within if I take the time to look.  I wonder what you find when you stop to ask

Loving Parenting

 
Being a parent is not something anyone can adequately express in words, either spoken or written. Parenting is something that is as different and as unique for each parent as their child is unique from anyone else.   The most we can do as parents is to learn to love the moments, both good and bad, finding a way to  express our gratitude for the opportunity of being a parent.  I doesn't mother whether we call ourselves a mother or a father, there are some things we find we may have in common.   We struggle to find a balance between being able to provide unconditional love and being able to teach children what we want to know and love.  We try to find a balance between the moments of joy, fear, frustration and hope.  We experience a mix of memorable moments we never want to lose, confusion regarding the reason for certain behaviors and words and minutes in time we wish we could take back or forget ever occurred. 

Sometime as the years follow one after another we realize we are growing and learning at the same rate as our children.  They, as they grow decide whether they like being a child or want to grow up faster than we would desire.  We, as parents, also grow to decide if we like being a parent or can't wait for the time of childhood to disappear

For myself, I have found that I loved and still want to enjoy the opportunity of being a parent.  This decision to love being a parent, whether the times appear good or bad to myself or others, has helped me weather the storms of many family moments and choices my children have made.   It is because this decision has made such a difference for me in getting through some rough hours and days of parenthood, that I wanted to encourage others to find their own way to love being a parent, the ups the downs and the smooth paths in-between. 

"Loving Parenting" is a short book written with that hope of encouraging other parents to look at how they view their experience called parenting, and decide for themselves if they feel that loving the adventure will make a difference for them.  Some people may have made the decision years ago but because of changing circumstance need a friendly reminder of how to get back on track or begin anew.   

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Blessed with Sisters

I am so blessed to have two sisters, both of whom I love dearly.  Unfortunately because of daily life responsibilities, work, family obligations, health and distance we do not always get to see and talk to each other as often as we would like.   I cherish any time I get to spend with either of them.  

Last night I had the opportunity to sit and talk with my youngest sister at her new home.  I met the new man in her life and listened as she shared the new direction her life is moving  We shared a few memories of the past and reflected on lessons learned.  As usual, hours came and went unnoticed or marked until it was late and we reluctantly had to call our current time together to an end.  Hugging each other in parting I couldn't help but feel the warmth of love.  We may not reach out to each other as often as we like, but when we do, we walk away enriched, sustained and with renewed knowledge of who we are. 

On the drive home I thought about the opportunity I had just a few weeks ago to visit with my other sister as I drove her from the airport to our parent's home.  We shared happenings, concerns and hopes for family members, shared some memories and reflected on the importance of beliefs and choices in life.  As always, our time together was not long enough before time nudged to let us know we needed to refocus on life around us again.  So with a hug and kiss we separated comforted by the knowledge we are not alone in our beliefs, thoughts or struggles and we each have strengths, talents and love we can call upon to carry us through life until we speak or meet again. 

My thoughts about my sisters and the ways they each touch my life in different ways are what I am blessed to start this day with.  I know keeping these in mind I will walk lighter, find enlightenment and look for opportunities and meaningful moments throughout the day. 

No Mistake- He Knew What I Would Need

My Heavenly Father knows me so well. He knew what was coming, the choices someone else would make that would suddenly change a number of the lives of those that are dear to me in ways we would have never imagined. He knew that I would need to handle the knowledge I would be entrusted with in a manner of peace, calm and love. He knew I would need to know I could trust him to care for those I love in his own way and to not rush into any decision or make any judgements that could affect a number testimonies of his forgiveness. The Lord knew I would need to share my own testimony many times over the next few weeks to come, and strengthened me with the knowledge that he will not give me more than he knows I am capable of bearing.

When the bomb was dropped in my lap this week, I listened to the story and knew when I left the person that shared with me was now better prepared to handle whatever came next knowing she was not alone and that someone understood her pain and cared about her worries. In the midst of hearing the reason for the pain in this person's life and the others she cared about, I knew that I was led to a particular blog recently because of the subject matters of the story the writer was sharing. The strongest messages in the story are that no family is perfect, that love and understanding is vital to all relationships, and that healing is found through our Savior, Jesus Christ, when we are humble. As I went home that night I was filled with questions, but I was also filled with a knowledge that the Lord had prepared me to look at this through a different light. My first thoughts were not of how to confront the people involved in anger, but how to share my love and testimony with them. As the story was told, I was reminded of the pain of one of the characters, and my own anger and disgust was replaced by compassion for the person I held most responsible in the real life situation unfolding into my lap through sobs of sorrow and fear. I thought of another character in the story and remembered to not make any judgements, but to love and listen, knowing the Lord knows and loves each of the family members involved on a level I can not possibly understand. My part right now is to teach acceptance and understanding, patience and peace, and most of all to share my love and my testimony with these dear ones.

My Father in Heaven knew what could possibly be coming and over the past few weeks has been helping me to prepare. He has blessed me with a desire to reorganize, and to take charge of an area of my home that has not been used for a while. I know now that he has been preparing me for the choice being made today. My father in Heaven knew that one of the choices would affect everyone in my home, and has been strengthening me and giving me resolve in how to better handle some of my family relationships so that with his help previous reasons for conflict will be lessened or softened. I believe my Father in Heaven knew what was drawing near and provided me additional help with one member of my family so I can have enough inspiration and energy to support other family members who will need my attention and understanding as we make transitions and adjustments in schedules, responsibilities and interactions.

I know my Father in Heaven knows me. I know he loves me and prepares me in silent ways for the challenges and opportunities, the sorrows and joys of life. It is no mistake, he knows what I need and will prepare the way. I know I must trust him more and speak to him more often in prayer. I know I must attune my life to his will, and he will guide me in the choices I make. I know at this time that he will assist me in reaching out in the perfect way to each of my loved ones whether through a hug, a letter, a phone call or a visit, for I know with a surety that he will prepare their hearts to accept the truth of my unconditional love for them. It is no mistake- I know he knows.

Taking the Blame- With Tears

In my last post I apologized to all those who felt I had ruined their lives by reading their blogs, sharing my support of their blog, reacting or commenting on their blog or being the cause of one blogger calling another with a question that made them uncomfortable, even though they had been excited to share their thoughts about the very thing they were asked about. I don't know if any of the ones affected have even read my apology or if it makes a difference to them, for none of them have responded in any way. What does matter is that I was willing to say I am sorry. The next step, of forgiveness is up to them.

The silence of others has given me a lot to think about. It has given me the chance to once again look at what those close to me believe about me and what they expect of me. Fair warning, this may sound like I am depressed, but I am not, at least at this moment. I am however willing to be truthful and honest about my feelings for a few minutes.

My family, and even new friends, are willing to make me the scapegoat for something that wasn't all entirely my fault. I may have played a part, but I was not the one that gave the specific information out that caused the problem. I alluded to a relationship, but did not divulge the name of the party I was protecting. The one that broke the link and gave out the name was the person's own family member who may or may nat have known better. But if they can blame me, they don't have to feel betrayed by family. It is much easier to blame a so-called stranger than someone you know and love. Besides blaming me allows them to continue their relationship with their loved one as it was before the incident. Also blaming me, others can pretend they had no part in whatever they perceived happened. I am also sure that my family members that spoke to those who think they were hurt or offended told them that everything was my fault anyway or that I would take the blame for everyone on my shoulders, for they know I will, not just the blame, but the pain that goes with it.

I guess I have taught my children well that whatever they want to say to me is OK. Whatever they want to accuse me of doing or being, or saying as they perceive it is OK, as long as they ask one important question. "Are you going to be OK?" As soon as I say, "I will be" they are off the hook. They can then say whatever they want, however they want, express their opinions however hurtful and then turn away without any other thoughts or worries. They know I will keep any comments to myself that may seem to me like they would be hurtful back., so it is safe for them, knowing they I will not hurt back. I listen but I don't fight back. I allow them the feeling of being right, even if they are so far off base it is unbelievable, rather then fight with them or try and change their thinking. Then they go back to life while I work through the pain, the tears, the feelings and find my way back out of the sorrow. They have seen me bounce back time and again, find the strength to work through the feelings and the tears, and then go on loving them unconditionally. Even my grandchildren have learned the same lesson, hurt, ask and then walk away and don't look back or care because grandma is strong and even if she is hurt won't come back to hurt you, but will keep on loving just the same as she always has.

Right now I have a lot of anger, unexpressed and kept from those I could direct it at. My anger or frustration isn't something that at this time will make a difference to the others involved anyway. Besides, expressing it to them would just be seen by them as not understanding, not accepting, not supporting, not loving or not having faith. The feelings would not recognized as what they really are : loss, abandonment, fear, helplessness, conflict with faith and testimony, confusion, or pain. I have taught my family well that it is OK for them to have anger, but not to expect it from me. Mom and grandma will just cry her way through the feelings silently. She will be angry at herself and maybe at others, but they won't have to feel any guilt or take any blame or feel any sorrow for things said or done. They can just go on pretending life is good and they are perfect in the way they handle situations and relationships.

I guess the bottom line is this, like so many times before, I will take the blame for what is not mine so others will not have to feel the pain of doing anything wrong. I will not defend myself or speak up for the truth, because they other person may not be able to handle the feelings that might result. Once again I will allow others to throw the burden of blame on my shoulders so their burden will be light because I know I am strong, but don't know where they are emotionally or mentally, and don't want to risk their happiness. Once again I will be the scapegoat, the reason for someone else's trials and tribulations so they do not have to look at themselves and take responsibility for their own actions or their own results. I will love them enough to take on all the suffering so they can experience peace, value, contentment and life as they desire. I will continue to love them unconditionally, whatever the pain or price, and may or may not ever know that love back from them. I will continue to love them, whether I hear from them or not, for that is who I am. I am their mother, their grandmother, their support or their friend. I am- ME.

Apologies and Love

I wish I could say it is funny, but right now I can't, that sometimes loving someone gets so mistaken for something else it destroys what is good and leaves sorrow and grief behind. . I just received a call that has me in tears. Tears due to love for all those involved, even the ones that started as strangers but became special because of what they shared from their hearts. Now because of the misunderstandings and fears what was special, warm, spiritual, loving, genuine and wonderful will be wrapped up and made private. What brought comfort and joy to many will now be hidden, guarded and protected. Where love, guidance, support and encouragement might have been given and received, now there will be caution and regret and heartache. Blogs that were openly shared because of the excitement of sharing life, love and daily joys or sorrows will no longer be available except to a select few. I may never again share in the happiness and joys of some people I dearly love.

Why all of this? Because someone shared a blog with me they thought I would enjoy, which I did. On that blog they shared some others they were following. There were two that I found especially entertaining, informative and enjoyable. During the Christmas holidays the mother at one of the sites shared how much she enjoyed doing crafts with her children. and the kinds of simple crafts she was doing with them. Her enthusiasm and how much her children were enjoying making their pictures and such, reminded me that even the simplest crafts for the youngest hands are just as precious as any grand gift and that there is no limit to age when creativity is involved. Because of her sharing I took the time over the holidays to let my grandson do a few Christmas crafts in an effort to entertain him. Thanks to an idea from this young mother, I helped my grandson make a Christmas tree, make a Christmas picture, paint some ornaments to take home with him, and even make what his mother called his snow blizzard picture.

Another layer deep, from the above blog, was a blog she was following. This blog was written by another young woman. The first time I read this blog, I felt drawn back to it. There was a special sweetness and spirit that I felt each time I read about her testimony and her beliefs. One day she stated that they were making their blog private so if you wanted to continue following it, please send your email. I sent my email, and wasn't sure she would respond. She of course questioned who I was or how I learned about her blog. I told her where I had encountered it, and why I had gone to that site in the first place. This young lady was kind enough to send me a link to her next post, which I was very grateful for.

Well that one request led to her contacting an old friend, who happened to be the owner of the first blog I had started from and asking.a question that made them uneasy in a number of ways. And the owner of this site contacted someone they knew and shared their fears about who this unknown person might be. The lists of previously shared blogs are now off the site, and according to the person calling me earlier, the original site shared will likely become private as well. Since the owner of the blog has no legal obligation to share the site with me, and I have been reminded that this isn't my family anyway so there is no reason for me to expect them to share their site with me, (besides they need to protect their identiy and their family from those who might harm them) I am afraid I will lose ever seeing or hearing about them again. That is why I sit here crying.


So tonight I apologize to all that feel I have ruined their lives through caring about them or are frightened because of my actions or love or appreciation of what they had to share or excitement about their joy. All of their blogs were beautiful and I will miss having them to brighten my day. I wish them all happiness and joy and still send them my love. I am sorry if they misunderstood my enthusiasm or how their sharing inspired me or challenged me to share some of my own thoughts with others. Even though I thought I was being careful to not share their identities, not mention their names, my last thoughts were too close to home, too personal to not be recognized by someone who didn't until today even know this site existed, but now does, and is just trying to be protective herself. So, what I hoped might give encouragement and love has been perceived by those who I hoped to share it with the most as intrusive, disruptive and intimidating.


So now I have to decide if this blog will continue or not. I had a blog once before, and I enjoyed writing it. I had several people who followed it and it touched their lives in a variety of positive ways. Some were family and others were strangers. The blog ended when the hosting site changed their rules and offers. It felt good then, as it does now, to share love, encouragement, hope, forgiveness, gratitude, and the knowledge that if we look for the good we can find it even in the middle of trials and sorrows. I don't think I will decide right this minute. My emotions are too high, and the tears keep coming back. As I said, love, misperceived leaves alot of feelings trailing behind that need to be felt and examined.

I pray that those who need to see this will find it and know of my love for them.

Moment by Moment

This morning I want to thank my higher source for my ability at times to simply move from moment to moment without thought. I have learned in my home to take life moment by moment for I never know what the next moment will bring. I have to trust myself that all the parenting, spiritual and natural abilities will come into play without having to stop and ask myself what tools or lessons I am going to use, for seldom is there time to ponder on what to do.
It is probably a cliche' but a true one that sometimes one day is longer than another. I know in reality each day has the same number of minutes, but one day seems to move so quickly, time flies and moments blend together in rhythm and balance. Then there are days that seem to last forever or seem will never end, filled with moments of crisis, decisions, teaching, patience, forgiveness, guidance and responsibility. Why do days seem so different? The difference is in how I move from moment to moment, how I use the moments as they come along and who those moments are spent with.
Moments and minutes are not always the same. Every day has exactly 1,440 minutes to use. However every day does not have the same number of moments for a moment is not measured by time. A moment doesn't just pass, it occurs. A moment requires you to be present in some way for it to be. A moment can last from a few seconds to minutes, for it is the experiences or happening that defines it, not the time it lasts.
I feel blessed that the other evening I was able to move from moment to moment for most of the night with patience and faith in myself that whatever I did or said would be right in that moment There were a few moments, like when I allowed frustration and anger to appear in myself that I questioned whether I would handle the next moment correctly, but I realize that the frustration was what allowed me the strength to be firm in the next moment of confrontration and the anger gave me the desire to stand up for others in the following moment. I had to move from moment to moment without planning for between Cathy, Alex and Antonio there was to no time to think between the demands and experiences of the moments. What someone chose in one moment affected others in the next or required my presence in some way. One moment I had to decide how to deal with a 15 year old boy throwing a destructive temper tantrum and then comfort the hurt adult who is only trying to love this boy in-spite of the abuse she receives because of her efforts. One moment I needed to be firm and set a limit with an oppositional teen and the next I had to be silent as he packed to run away from home because he didn't think he should be asked to do what he was. As he stormed out the door, the moment was filled with questions and worries from those who loved him and I had to call on faith and hope, then the next moment decide which of two options would be the best use of my time, but before I could finish the project chosen, the boy returned and I my moment was filled with tears, anger and his words of despair and failure. Then on to create a new moment of caring and tenderness, filled with understanding of his pain, while showing him he could look at the same instances that were causing him pain and find the love and support that has always surrounded him. His life may not be what he would like it to be, but it so much better than he could ever have dreamt it to be. The difference is in how he chooses to look at the momement or what he chooses to focus on from the moments of his life. Then I got to move from the moments of understanding and connection to a moment of power struggle and then on to a moment of truce and then to moments of sharing things totally unrelated to the events of the earlier evening. Later moments flowed from moments of explanation to moments of request and on to to final moments of a 10 year olds day as she shared how much she loved her brother, but sometimes she had different feeleings, and how bad she felt when she had those moments of thought.
Moments moving are all too often not appreciated or recognized. I sometimes get so busy looking for an answer to my prayers of knowing how to handle or change something that I don't see my prayer is already being answered in how I am blessed in simply following inspiration, staying or creating peace and harmony amidst chaos, confusion and anger. Like others I am looking for a miracle to occur when what I really need is already being given to me moment by moment without my being aware I am being given the miracles in experiencing peace, patience, understanding, gratitude, forgiveness, strength, tolerance, love and countless more gifts and abilities.
Again, I express gratitude today for the moments of my life. I may not appreciate them all as they happen, but I know I am given them as a gift. How I choose to look at the moments as good or bad is up to me, for they have happened and continue to be given freely to use. I acknowledge that I receive far more than I am ever aware of or could express.

The Grandma Calling

I saw the cutest picture today of a little baby on the internet . She was wearing a cute little shirt that read : "What Santa doesn't bring me Grandma will." I couldn't help but laugh, for I know how true those words are. Giving her everything of value is part of the Grandma Calling. As a grandmother myself I can speak from knowledge and experience.

Being a Grandmother is a calling. It is a calling that is earned through patience, years of preparation and experiences too numerous to count. Being a grandmother means you have the opportunity to teach and share gifts only you can give. These gifts are not always physical, but are always given with love and a desire to make sure her grandchild has everything he or she could ever dream of. The gifts may come silently and unexpected, or wrapped in pretty papers on special occations. The gifts will be given before anyone even asks for them, for inspiration is a key part of the blessing of receiving the calling of Grandmother.

Each grandmother has gifts only she can give in her own way. One grandmother may have a talent and love for music, and will give instruments, music, songs, recordings, and teach her grandchildren to enjoy all kinds of music and love harmony, not just in music but to look for the harmony and music in life and experiences. Another grandmother may have a gift of humor, She may teach her grandchildren to look for the laughter in life, the funny side of experiences or that life is a fun experience with a few side stops here and there to find sorrow, pain or results of choices for a short time. Another grandmother may have the gift of work and will teach how to serve with a gladness of heart and charity and concern for other. She may teach that work is really just a word that means doing your best at whatever you are doing using all your skills and abilities. Another may give the gift of words through books, stories, poems, educational experiences or letters. Another grandmother's calling may be teaching patience, forgiveness, humility and unconditional love. She may do this through example, support, tolerance and faith. Yet another grandmother may share her creative talents. She may teach not just the art of making something but the principle that everyone is a creator in some way, how pieces work together to make something that never existed before but gives pleasure once it is complete. She may teach a freedom of expression through the use of paper, brushes, colors, glitter and glue. Another grandmother may choose to fulfill her calling not by giving gifts directly to her grandchild, but supporting, enmpowering or encouraging the parents in ways that will affect their entire family. It might be the power of prayer, the sharing of a testimony, or experiences. It could be giving the parents knowledge of how to make it through each stage of their child's life with sanity, balance and peace. This grandmother may remind the parents to enjoy every momemt, for even though it may seem impossible to endure, she knows how soon the moments will flee and memories will be the thing they will treasure for many more years to come.

It does not matter the age, circumstances, location or reasons a woman receives the calling of Grandmother. Once accepted the calling is for her lifetime. Once received, the calling will bring a lifetime of new experience, new joys and happiness beyond belief and a new capacity to love and and endless supply of love returned. A grandmother will hold her title with pride. She will strive to honor all others called by the same name by being the best, most generous grandmother she can be, everyday in everyway.